Discovering ownself…
Come a long way…from school to cadet ship to officialdom. Some times I turn around to check my traces, to gauge my progress, to get the future course. Albeit ‘Sometimes…’?! I doubt ... I do it often. Moving on anyway..
During schoolyears, life went jittery, trepidations, in a different aspect. Engg entrance was the purported theme of the mind. But heart I’m sure wasn’t there ever. I would spend hrs killing time with Bhanu, sleazing around, going and coming back to coaching and talking about ...(you know). Then suddenly happened class 12th results. June 1997---We parted ways, went on in our individual directions to hunt down our future. I stayed back, planning my course of engg by joining coaching. Good thing was I was alone. No pals, no distraction. Just me and myself. I would think and rethink, on and on. Once I went on walk to park nearby and sat down in the green meadows of it, on a cool breezy cloudy day. Air was refreshing as it could be, prompting me to consume it as much as I could. Mind raced like a jet. Deliberating. Time, again I turned back to check my courses. What brought me here. My choices, and my desire..i got my answer-- those time killing acts, debonair ways. I thought it was all for my faults but I refused to blame it on myself.
Introspection had just started. Somehow, I believe, this process is also one of the purposes of real education…to question one own self. Eventually it successfully happened with me also. The incessant unending thought process had just started. Mathematics and Physics began to sound more fascinating. Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein had become new mentors of life. The H.C. Verma book had started giving a new perception to things.
Actually there used to be question like ‘what forces were exchanged when Gerbachov shook hands with Bush’ (answer Electromagnetic forces!) and ‘ what is the time period of oscillations of a lady’s ear-ring blah cms long, sitting on a merry-go-round’ . These questions were not simply meant to check your knowledge of intricacies of natural science but also to initiate you into developing a perspective. Every equation written on black board by Mr Ashok Gupta was called upon to be read by ‘eyes of your soul’…with emotions. Everything stimulated us from within. Even real life had begun to appear like a complex system of Physics’ principles written in mathematical expressions. Every word, every action I had started to analyze with a Physics-oriented mindset. Analogical conditions were formulated for past and present experiences. Results etched on memory, reasoning re-examined over again, and future courses decided. On surface, I had retracted myself into a shell filled with my own thoughts, superegos, closed down to whole world. May be that’s why I became more disobedient and rebel. Nobody was allowed to affect my thoughts, as, none was qualified enough. And experiment within was finding some exciting results. I was able to solve the mysteries of H.C Verma and Tata Mcgraw Hill with chilling ease then ever before. That’s why I believe I had set on a right track. Lessons of Differentiation and Integration, Limits and Continuity, Permutation and Combination, Probability Reasoning had given mind a whole new thought to think… not known or heard by me ever before. Every thing, every statement was being allocated a ‘Limiting bracket’… merits and demerits noted, pro and cons judged. I think my arguments had grown so overpowering, attitude too confident (yet keeping from the lines of ‘pride’ or ‘over-confidence’ as warranted by Mr Gupta) and also quite absorbed (though people saw me as ‘lost’). And all this is why I call it ‘year of self-discovery’.
The epoch continued for quite long. Those arguments and fights with Mr Vilas sharma, my chief mate, 2 years hence and the show-cause notices were the repercussions of this strong phase, while it was at its peak. Many psychedelic events happened like that alone seeing of ‘hum dil de chuke sanam’, for the intense anger for chief mate, those alone visits to central market of Liverpool, those indefatigable arguments with Capt Banker, etc.
There also happened a time when I felt like taking nervous breakdown. It was while working on ship Maharshi Karve, Nov’98 to May’99. The Bihari, sparsely educated fellow cadets were too unintelligent to be in unison with my thoughts. However, they were sensible of this. I had to over think myself many times to be in their level for a companionship. On the other hand, I was over thinking their sub-class jokes, cynical behavior, retarded communication skills, un-evolved lifestyles. I was totally alone between these near-tribals. What happened as a result can be anybody’s guess. In the end, I maintain lots of compassion for them.
For then, I was in two minds as to whether to continue in shipping or leave. Perseverance, I thought, was the name of life’s game. I hanged on. Heaven’s grace, next ship ‘State of Andhra Pradesh’, June’99 to Apr’00, gave that glimpse of life that young cadets dream prior going to sea. I had my time, though, ironically, again with some Biharis-- civilized ones.
The process of introspection was still on. Some times I would miss all my coaching years and those good books that gave me this insight. Honestly, I was still carrying with myself the H.C. Verma book on ship, hoping that someday I would re-do the book. I think this bibliophile act is common to IIT aspirants, as I noted Rajat, Sunil and many fellow cadets also did this secretly. Further on, I had now started to find a new outlook for modern day living. Codes of social existence were formulated. Democracy, Freedom, Laws, Society, Humans—all re-framed from the origin. Rather these were ‘derived’ again to fit myself and people like myself in this world. I had grown so quiet that crew would enquire about my ‘disturbed’ domestic life; trouble with papa notwithstanding. ‘Vijeta’ and ‘Shakti’ were few of my favourite movies.
By Apr’00 I was regained my extrovert self. From then to Nov’01 was the second ‘breakthrough’ of self-discovery. The profession, it’s purposes and meaning, its shortcoming, and my own vocation, all these were decisively drawn. I singularly maintained the observation that mariners were paid not for knowledge or skills, but for the Economy factors. Moreover knowledge and skills prevalent were too inferior compared to advances of the modern world. Although there are state-of –the-art gadgetry on board ships, but predisposition towards them and consequent managerial skills makes us inferior. Computers are still not employed to full potential and semi-conductor electronics seen with ‘unreliable’ psyche. The problem is all the more aggravated by budget constraints, poor and slow decision-making, and lack of dynamic modern insight/outlook. The top heads may be the cream, IITians and IIMs, but the crew remains to be under-educated part time fishermen. Many times masters and officers are also from the pre 90’s anarchical bureaucratic India.
The process of self-discovery, for now, seems to have taken a calmer route. No more do I keep unusual quiet, become implosive, or remain un-sharing of my views. But the thinking continues and the show-causes still happen, like before.
