The cosy J- feeling

Her presence is enough to get me this feeling. Her conduct with other men around, her palship, her regular talks, her email exchanges, everything. I can notice the subtly changes happening within myself by her mere presence. And I just hate it. Coz no more I feel in control of myself. The J drives me more than my mind. And I had struggled a lot in my mind to overcome this very thing. And then it’s still happening to me and as thoug I am suffering defeat at the hands of it! Fuck it. The remedy I think is one one sure shot way….stay away..as far away as I can. She aint mine. She sometimes aint even worth me. But still she can make me feel this. I know all this and even suffer it. That’s the worst part and kind of defeat, I bogey. She may be lecherous, immoral, easy virtue, but still as though I can’t resisit her. She may have her resons, I don’t know but as though I want to know them and may blindly buy them! That’s the charm of a woman.
Staying away may not be a permanent solution. Coz it’s a natural thing also. And god’s gracious it’s still there in me. I am still a human, I m happy. Find a permanent own one is the best remedy. I am again becoming an emotional fool. I overthink..should I, should I not. That’s the sign of true infatuation..loosing away your controls, and perhaps life aint worth it until u get one such bout of this feeling. There are many more better than her.but all I see is her. There are many more ready for me. But all I want is her. The one who can least of all be mine.! That’s the L-feeling. Feels great, I am getting this. After a long while. Last was for Tanuja. I missed her. I will miss it again. Shef thing is still so much in dark, unsure. Arch never was, though she was ok. She understands me better. But something stopped me. I assented to that something. Here it is now, again.
I think she likes me too. She has changed to my likes. She speaks my words. She talks like I do. She herself walks up to me to have a word. She responds. She is eager to respond. She shares. She waits. She closes up. That’s the bitch in her. If she’s busy then why all this with me. Perhaps clever like all of us are. Keeping a steppinie. A stand-by, for emergencies. Smart, na? And here I am , ready to become a fool again.
Got to go,. Leave. As early as I can. To save ,my self from damages.